Recently, I stumbled across the hilarious marketing GENIUS that are the Luv's "First Kid, Second Kid" videos. If you haven't watched them, here you go. I'll wait.
You are WELCOME.
And I found this video because I was googling pregnancy information. Why? Because it's been a long time since I needed pregnancy information, and also because I'm knocked up.
But don't get excited and shit. That is not what this blog is about, my friend. Cutesy crap will come later.
Now, I don't know if I'm noticing this stuff because it's all new and super ridiculous, or because I'm pregnant and therefore offered a skewed product sample. Anyway, I've begun to compile a list of shit that, at no point, should be marketed to new moms.
Today's product is the NuRoo Pocket...and this beauty was what initially sparked my interest in writing a blog about taking advantage of new moms. It boasts a variety of sizes, stylish versatility, a supportive belt, skin to skin contact, a no-slip inner pocket, and a model boasting a sneaky expression that makes you wonder whether she just stole someone's baby to shove into her wrap sweater.
"Sandra", you ask, "Why are you such a coldhearted bitch? Skin to skin contact with a newborn is important!"
And it is important, reader. It absolutely is. And here's the thing: if you are reading this and justifying this product in your mind (or out loud, for that matter) STOP READING MY SHIT. I promise you, we are not going to see eye to eye on anything. Ever. So scamper off, because our journey together is done.
So, now that it's just us insensitive assholes, here we go:
1. This is not stylish versatility. It comes in teal or black, and this giant Waverly print, karate-belt looking thing. Which, as long as were on the topic of the "supportive belt", let's just go ahead and address that your body comes equipped with supportive equipment to hold your newborn ball of awesomeness. They're called your fucking ARMS.
2. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely understand that skin to skin contact is crucial. I fully support breastfeeding, waist-up naked sitting with a blanket over you and your munchkin...shit, even without the blanket. If you and your baby want to kick it au natural, I say do it. But understand this: unless you're Honey BooBoo's mom, your brand new bucket of cuddles is going to be able to fit inside your shirt for exactly six seconds. Maybe ten seconds, if you were lucky enough to birth a child under eight pounds.
3. Number three is, in my opinion, the most important: At no point, should anyone, ever purchase anything to hold a baby that has a NO SLIP INNER FUCKING POCKET. Because guess what? Unless you're Gorilla Glu-ing your baby into this goddamn shirt, assume that "no-slip" means that a slip or two can occur. And in case the instructor of the parenting class didn't tell you, dropping your infant basket of giggles is pretty much frowned upon.