26 June 2009

Welcome Home-ish

The Move has happened.

And I didn’t capitalize the “t” in the just because it was at the beginning of the sentence. It is truly that important. It is capitalized for normal reasons, but also in an A.A. Milne word of significance sense.

Here is a list of things this week that made me want to become a cutter:

1. I drove from Richmond, VA to an hour past Baltimore, MD with a six year old with a toothache, a pissy (bored and teething) nine month old, two cats, various must have living items, a dying Zune, and a flat Amp energy drink.
2. I was the follower rather than the leader, even though I had the GPS. Man, testosterone rocks my socks off.
3. My four year old and six year old will not, under any circumstances, quit bitching at each other.
4. The basement in this house covers the same space as the top level of the house, so it sounds like we’re walking around in a mobile home that is teetering perilously over the (very echo-y) cavernous hole to hell. (Which I didn't even belive in until I found out that it was under my house.)
5. I found out what it’s like to try and pass a tractor on a country road. I also found out what it’s like to have a tractor driver think it’s funny to make you try and pee your pants while you’re in your car on the country road.
6. It took twenty minutes to explain to my stepdaughter how horses can be so pretty to look at, and so foul to smell.
7. It took another ten minutes to explain why cows and horses smell the same. And to explain why they live near us.
8. Everything out here costs five dollars more than anything in the south.
9. I have boxes all over my house, PMS, a dishwasher that takes 16.7 hours to cycle, and a kid who’s learned how to make his Johnny Jump Up into a swing.
10. I have no booze anywhere in this house. I’m thisclose to drinking Listerine and taking a Zanax.

Parental Supervision Recommended.

Not to be eaten. Not for use by children under the age of eight.

So states the label of the Bubble Yum Chap stick my four year old ate yesterday morning.

Shit. I really screwed that one up, huh?

Everyone raises an eyebrow at labels on products that warn us away from doing things that those endowed with common sense would never do. Not once have I had a yen to blow dry my hair while showering, inhale the contents of a can of Raid, or put KY Jelly on my toast. And I always wonder “who on earth would do these things”? But I suppose that there is always that guy, the one person that makes it necessary for corporations to waste ink on a tag we’re going to remove immediately upon purchasing the object it’s attached to. Turns out that in this case, my stepson was that guy.

The first morning in our new house, I was awakened by the sound of our middle child vomiting.


As any parent would, I rushed to comfort him. I was stopped mid backrub, however, by the large pink chunks that he had projected forth. When I asked him what he’d eaten that was pink, he replied with:

“I don’t know, Sanny, I was sleeping.”


Shortly afterward, my stepdaughter did an irate Tom Cruise-esque slide into the bathroom with her brand new tube of lip accessory eaten all the way down to the little plastic stick. With her lip shaking and all the rage a six year old is capable of mustering, she handed it to me.

Needless to say, the watermelon Jolly Rancher tube was considered a very sorry replacement.