06 September 2011

I Like Free Stuff Too, But Damn! (Colorado Springs Edition #1)

Well, guys, it’s that time. I know I said I’d do this earlier, but I didn’t get around to it until now. Turns out, those degree thingies take work. Oy.

And now? Onto the Freecyclers of my new city of residence, Colorado Springs!

I'm looking for a bike so I can learn to ride. Something in good condition, since I know nothing about bicycles. I don't need anything huge.

Like a circus unicycle. I’d much prefer something with a daisy encrusted wicker basket and a ring a ding bell. That’s what I wanted when I was FIVE, when my parents should have taught me. Douchebags.

Want two carseats for tolddlers as well as a toddler bed with mattress if possible, also an old style school desk, white paint, end tables outdoor toys like swing set, also want a powerwheels truck or car that runs for my sons birthday next week.

Oh, and then some party invitations, some kids to come to a party, a house to have the party in, and spellcheck. And for God’s sake, it has to be by my son’s birthday. Otherwise he’ll think I’m unprepared, and have nowhere to sleep. Or do his homework. Or swing. Or a power wheels vehicle to drive away from me in.

OFFER: some pink and some purple toole (Fountain,CO) some small bits of pink toole some large parts ofpurple toole toole= see through lacey stuff like ballet dancers wear or decor around windows.

Eh, thanks anyway. I just hung a ballerina from my curtain rod. It got the job done.
P.S. Toole=YOU.

OFFER: Pillows One standard size and one travel size pillow, both used.

You’re fucking gross. Nothing about this is okay.

WANTED: CRICKET PHONE (CENTRAL) Hello,Does anybody have a cricket phone??? Im going insane!!!

Yeah. The Cricket store. They called to tell you that their phones are, like, three dollars and don’t require a plan. They said that they are basically the meth dealers of cell phones. But your minutes will probably expire when you’re in crazy phone-withdrawl lockdown.

WANTED: 99 Ply Voyager parts (manitou ) Both visors w/brackets,drivers headlight assy., full size rim/spare, travel/stow gear,window sunscreens,tires, hubcap if match or 2 or 4. Thanks Freecycler

So, the bottom line is that I need a fuckin’ car. With matching hubcaps. Why a 99 Plymouth Voyager? Don’t fuckin’ question me.

OFFER: 2 twin comforters (Springs Ranch ) I have two holey twin comforters. One is GI Joe and I think the other is blue and green. A dog we were watching got a hold of them. They are washed.

Hey, I know a broad with some pillows you should link up with.

WANTED: Recliner that swivels (westside )I am looking for a recliner that swivels in good condition for an elder. Thanks in advance!

An elder what? Tree? Person of importance in the Mormon church? One of those guys from the Matrix?

WANTED: gps navigator (80923) get lost all the time.

You have no idea how much I believe that.

OFFER: organ (80132 monument) Lowrey organ, nice piece in very good condition and works, don't have specific information on it but can send pictures. Need to be
able to move it out yourself with at least 1 or 2 other strong persons, very heavy.

Okay, there’s not a single thing wrong with this post, aside from the fact that two people probably couldn't carry an organ. I just thought it was super cool.

OFFER: pencils (80910) pencils - enough that I can't get my hand around them all. The erasers are hardened. When responding, please include a window of time on which day(s) you'll be able to pick up.

Day(s)?!?! What the FUCK? Someone is going to need to make extra trips to pick up your crusty ass pencils? I know you said you couldn’t get your hand around them all, but is a Ziplock bag and some well-wishing for a single safe, pencil filled trip out of the question?

OFFER: full sized futon matress ( rockrimmon) Also have a frame at seperate location

Bring unmarked bills. And NO COPS. If you don’t listen? The frame gets it.

OFFER: box of books (union & boulder) I have a mid sized box of what appears to be Christian books.

They appear to be Christian books? What, are they wearing masks?

WANTED: Wanted beekeeping supplies ( 80831) any beekeeping supplies.

Like some fuckin’ bees.

OFFER: manual breast pump & pads (80910 ) had a no show. good condition.

You know why they were a no show? Because they came to their goddamn senses, and realized that they were supposed to be picking up a USED BREAST PUMP.

WANTED: FeaTHERS, FEATHERS, FeaTHers, (central) Does anybody have any feathers?????

Okay. I’ve racked my brain, and I’ve got nothin’. (Insert scene from Hook here, with Tootles searching for his marbles....)


Linda Medrano said...

This cracks me up! My home town has these "newspapers" too! I love your comments. You are hysterical!

Jayne Martin said...

This shit is funnnnn-yyyy! You don't need any help with snark, my friend. ;)

To prove I'm not a robot apparently I have to type in "men? tsocumm." Are you fucking kidding me?