Parental Supervision Recommended.

Not to be eaten. Not for use by children under the age of eight.

So states the label of the Bubble Yum Chap stick my four year old ate yesterday morning.

Shit. I really screwed that one up, huh?

Everyone raises an eyebrow at labels on products that warn us away from doing things that those endowed with common sense would never do. Not once have I had a yen to blow dry my hair while showering, inhale the contents of a can of Raid, or put KY Jelly on my toast. And I always wonder “who on earth would do these things”? But I suppose that there is always that guy, the one person that makes it necessary for corporations to waste ink on a tag we’re going to remove immediately upon purchasing the object it’s attached to. Turns out that in this case, my stepson was that guy.

The first morning in our new house, I was awakened by the sound of our middle child vomiting.

Awesome.

As any parent would, I rushed to comfort him. I was stopped mid backrub, however, by the large pink chunks that he had projected forth. When I asked him what he’d eaten that was pink, he replied with:

“I don’t know, Sanny, I was sleeping.”

Hmmm.

Shortly afterward, my stepdaughter did an irate Tom Cruise-esque slide into the bathroom with her brand new tube of lip accessory eaten all the way down to the little plastic stick. With her lip shaking and all the rage a six year old is capable of mustering, she handed it to me.

Needless to say, the watermelon Jolly Rancher tube was considered a very sorry replacement.