Recently, I stumbled across the hilarious marketing GENIUS
that are the Luv's "First Kid, Second Kid" videos. If you haven't watched them,
here you go. I'll wait.
You are WELCOME.
And I found this video because I was googling pregnancy
information. Why? Because it's been a long time since I needed
pregnancy information, and also because I'm knocked up.
Surprise!
But don't get excited and shit. That is not what this blog is about, my
friend. Cutesy crap will come
later.
Now, I don't know if I'm noticing this stuff because it's
all new and super ridiculous, or because I'm pregnant and therefore offered a
skewed product sample. Anyway, I've
begun to compile a list of shit that, at no point, should be marketed to new
moms.
Today's product is the
NuRoo Pocket...and this beauty was what
initially sparked my interest in writing a blog about taking advantage of new
moms. It boasts a variety of sizes,
stylish versatility, a supportive belt, skin to skin contact, a no-slip
inner pocket, and a model boasting a sneaky expression that makes you wonder whether she just stole someone's baby to shove into her wrap sweater.
"Sandra", you ask, "Why are you such a
coldhearted bitch? Skin to skin contact
with a newborn is important!"
And it is important, reader.
It absolutely is. And here's the thing: if you are reading this and justifying this
product in your mind (or out loud, for that matter) STOP READING MY SHIT. I promise you, we are not going to see eye to
eye on anything. Ever. So scamper off, because our journey together
is done.
So, now that it's just us insensitive assholes, here we
go:
1. This is not stylish versatility. It comes in teal or black, and this giant Waverly
print, karate-belt looking thing. Which,
as long as were on the topic of the "supportive belt", let's just go
ahead and address that your body comes equipped with supportive equipment to
hold your newborn ball of awesomeness.
They're called your fucking ARMS.
2. Don't get me
wrong. I absolutely understand that skin
to skin contact is crucial. I fully support
breastfeeding, waist-up naked sitting with a blanket over you and your
munchkin...shit, even without the blanket.
If you and your baby want to kick it au natural, I say do it. But understand this: unless you're Honey BooBoo's mom, your brand
new bucket of cuddles is going to be able to fit inside your shirt for exactly six seconds. Maybe ten seconds, if you were lucky enough
to birth a child under eight pounds.
3. Number three is,
in my opinion, the most important: At no point, should anyone, ever purchase anything
to hold a baby that has a NO SLIP INNER FUCKING POCKET. Because guess what? Unless you're Gorilla Glu-ing your baby into this
goddamn shirt, assume that "no-slip" means that a slip or two can
occur. And in case the instructor of the
parenting class didn't tell you, dropping your infant basket of giggles is
pretty much frowned upon.
